Hello, my name is Sue. I am 45 years of age, loving wife and mother of two teenagers – Adam, age 19 and Meghan, age 17 – until recently that is. On  May 17^th, 2000 I answered my doorbell around 11:00 a.m. to find a Police officer and two strange women in my driveway. From that moment on my life was changed dramatically and tragically forever.

 I am writing this letter, to all of those faceless and troubled souls who have accessed this site, and it is my greatest hope that you will take the time to read it. For the many friends and family who will read this lengthy letter, you will recognize my usual verbose style and hopefully it will contain help for you too in gaining greater understanding of the tragedy we have all experienced. Most importantly though, it is my way of trying to make a difference in someone’s life by sharing a painful experience, and hopefully helping to avoid it happening in someone else’s life. It has been a painful and difficult undertaking for me, but I do it to honour my son’s life and because I believe it is something he would want me to do. I can only hope that by reaching out to you in this way I can convince you to take a different path than Adam chose. I made a promise to my son, that he didn’t have to dwell in his pain forever, that there was hope and there was help, if he could just hang on a little longer. I didn’t get to fulfill that promise to him and so I am making it to you, in his name and with this site, that was so generously given to us by dear and loving friends, in an attempt to help you and make something good come out of  this senseless waste and tragedy. Thank you for giving me another chance, please read on and hopefully you will give yourself the same opportunity. You deserve it and I know it can make a difference, if you can just hang on a little longer.

The officer and two women from Victim Services had come to deliver the most difficult message in the world, that my son, Adam, was dead. He was the victim of an apparent SUICIDE, but that they also had to rule out foul play, just in case, and could I answer some questions. It wasn’t that brief and straightforward a conversation nor were their questions. They were as gentle and compassionate as possible, and I will forever be grateful for their kindness and courage, for it was not an easy task to be the bearer of such horrific news.  I would never be able to see my son again. I will never be able to hold him or touch him, not even to say goodbye. That was the cold hard fact I had to face and have had to deal with ever since. The rest of that first day and week were the most difficult and painful ones I have ever experienced. Thankfully some of them are disjointed and fractured memories that are not too clear. The mind and body can only handle so much – and shock can be a welcome friend, for it wipes out that which we cannot cope with at the time, and for that I am grateful.

We are nearing the end of July now and it appears that my life is slowly beginning to return to a new state of ‘normal’. That might seem to be an odd comment to many of you, but it is an accurate statement of my new “reality”, since my son took his life that day. All I can say is that this new “reality” is not one I would have chosen nor would I wish it to happen to anyone else – family, friend or total stranger – for the pain of this loss is overwhelming. The repercussions of Adam’s suicide have been devastating and it has touched the lives of more people than he, or any of us could have ever imagined.

Unfortunately, the person who chooses to commit suicide never sees the pain, shock, confusion, anger or overwhelming loneliness that results from their impulsive action. These are the repercussions I am referring to and they spread far and wide. What makes it even harder is it is then left up to us, the loved ones you leave behind, to try and help others make sense of and understand why this young man – who, on the outside – appeared to have everything in life going for him – would commit such an irreversible and senseless act.

Believe it or not, we were one of the ‘lucky’ families. We were at least aware of Adam’s state of depression. He only allowed a very few of us to know his pain and that created its own difficulties as well. We could not break his trust and tell anyone, or he might choose to reject our support and efforts to help him, isolating himself even further from the help he so desperately needed. We can at least gain some small measure of consolation, knowing that we were doing everything humanly possible to help him through it. I can only imagine the anguish of those who lose a loved one to suicide when they had no idea or clue as to the reasons why. I can’t even begin to understand how anyone manages to cope with or get past a trauma of this magnitude when there is no understanding of or even an awareness of that loved one’s state of mind. Even the small comfort of receiving a suicide note, by way of an explanation, is denied many families. The devastation they must feel would be next to impossible to overcome, for they will NEVER know the reasons – the answers and ability to understand died along with their loved one. How can they ever find closure or move on with their own lives ? The limbo of so many unanswered questions would be a living hell, not unlike that of the person whose suffering was too intense to bear and caused such desperate measures to be taken.

SUICIDE is NEVER the answer ! Believe me when I say it only creates even greater problems for those you leave behind.

Is it any wonder families are torn apart in the aftermath of such devastation? Not only do we have this aching, empty hole left in our lives, where YOU used to be, but in our own state of shock and grief it is left to us to pick up the pieces of all the other lives you have shattered as well. Parents, brothers, sisters, Grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, long time friends of the family, YOUR friends and /or boyfriend or girlfriend and their family, teachers, fellow students – ALL of these people and MORE – turn to us for the answers, to find out WHY. All of them are searching for answers, signs they might have missed, details as to what happened and how, all in an attempt to understand and cope with the shocking news.

We are still receiving letters and calls as the sad news filters out to those beyond our immediate circle of connections. People feel awkward and uncomfortable around us, afraid to ask questions or even to talk about Adam – fearful of upsetting us or re-opening the wound. Then there are those that are made to feel uncomfortable when we do try to talk about him because of the pain it brings to the surface for them ! Some families feel the need to make it a shameful secret or bury it along with the lost loved one, some even go so far as to refer to the death as an ‘accident’, because that is an easier or more ‘acceptable’ explanation. Trust me when I say this is the WORST thing any of us can do. The healing process cannot even begin if the truth is not given recognition and dealt with, it only drives the scars and pain deeper to resurface at a later date and create the nightmare reality all over again.

I can tell you with all honesty that I have dealt with this issue from both sides. I have endured the hell of deep depression firsthand, contemplated and even reached the brink of suicide myself. Although this happened to me several years ago, when my children were quite small, the memories are as a vivid as if it happened just yesterday. I was institutionalized, voluntarily, and then struggled through more years of therapy than I care to remember, wrestling with my own demons, insecurities, anguish and guilt. None of it was easy and often the pain was overwhelming. Even now, I wonder if I may have passed along this gene or could, in part, be responsible for what happened to my son. I have had to again face the guilt that resurfaced years after the fact, even though I know intellectually that I am not responsible for his actions.

It was extremely painful to hear the same words and feelings I had experienced or said, coming out of my son’s mouth, because it made all my own ‘stuff’ come back to the surface and the memories were painful and difficult to share. I thought that by speaking of my own experiences honestly and openly with Adam, it would help him to realize that he too could overcome his pain, as I did. I hoped it would help encourage him to get the help he needed, the help that would make it possible for him to feel “normal”, healthy and happy once again.

 I firmly believed that, as did Bob, Meghan, Lori and Val. We all tried our best to support, encourage and reinforce this and him with positive thoughts and attitudes. We allowed him space when he needed it, held him up when he couldn’t bear the weight of his problems and just held him or cried with him when nothing else worked. We made use of herbal products, a variety of massage therapy techniques, counselling and medications as well as talking together for hours on end about anything and everything whenever it was necessary to get him through a particularly bad spell.

The sad fact is that Adam had masked his pain and hidden his problems for too long already. It had been building up in him from the summer following Grade 8 and the subsequent move we made to a new city that year.  NONE of us were even aware that he had a problem, other than the usual adjustments we all had to make to our new location. It wasn’t until last summer that the problems even came to light and by then this insidious disease had taken root so deeply and for so long that he was overwhelmed by his own inner pain and negativity.

 In the past year he suffered severe anxiety attacks that left him trembling, weak, dizzy and clammy-cold all over or sweating from head to toe. He planned conversations in his head before he saw anyone or talked to them on the phone.  In face to face situations, he was so busy trying to think of another question to ask or comment to make, so that others would keep the conversation going and there wouldn’t be any uncomfortable silences, that he couldn’t focus on what was being said, nor could he retain the information being given. He felt there was no way he could be around other people, because he had nothing to contribute to the conversation. It was a constant struggle anywhere and everywhere he went, and he did his best to avoid people and situations like this whenever possible. For a brief period, he attended therapy and took medication in an effort to try and overcome his problems. He had school and a multitude of new challenges to focus his energies on and for a while that seemed to help. He even managed to convince his therapist and the rest  of us, that he was improving and there was no longer any need to continue with treatment. It had just been a case of pre-university anxiety, something many of us experience, but it was now under control. Unfortunately, that was not the case.

Toward the end of his first year of university the anxiety attacks returned and his depression steadily grew worse. By this point he had no strength left with which to fight. Not even a glimmer of light or hope could penetrate to his inner core. It was there, in his inner–most soul that he believed that no one – not doctor, therapist, family, girlfriend or friend – no amount of therapy, medication or treatment would or could ever make him feel good or better, ever again.

He had been “putting on masks” and “acting” out roles with everyone in his life for so long that he no longer knew who he was – or even if there was a real person underneath all those masks. His inner soul and very being felt empty, hollow and dark. He was afraid if anyone realized how “messed up” he really was they wouldn’t want to be around him. He felt terrified that if he were to tell anyone the way he truly felt, they’d desert him – all he could see was a lose/lose situation. Nothing any of us said or did could convince him otherwise, his own negativity was all consuming and relentless.

The sad truth is, there is no immediate or instant cure to severe depression. Medications take 4 to 6 weeks to start working and that’s only if you are lucky enough to get on the right medication and dosage level the first time. Some people require different dosage levels or alternative medications because the first ones don’t have the desired results. All of this takes time, and so does therapy. You must rely on the expertise and referrals of others to find a therapist. It is also important for you to be able to connect with the right therapist for you, as there are many different techniques and treatments practiced throughout the industry and this too can be a difficult and lengthy process. All of this proves to be that much more difficult when you are in a state of crisis, and sometimes hospitalization is the best and most immediate answer.

What is IMPERATIVE though, is that you must seek the help that both medication and therapy can provide – it can and will save your life and your sanity. There is no shame or embarrassment in asking for help! However, we can only help you if you are willing to let us do so. You need to know that you are not alone,  that we have all struggled with or experienced similar problems and pain at some point in our lives. NOTHING is so big or so bad that it can’t be dealt with. It will take TIME and MAJOR EFFORT on your part, but with the loving support of family and friends and the assistance of medication and treatment to help you hold on – YOU CAN GET THROUGH IT !

Please, don’t shut everyone out or cut us off from you. When you can’t believe in yourself or your ability to overcome – REACH OUT - there is so much help available to you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE  – even though you may think or feel you are – none of us truly are or need to be. There is always HOPE and there is always HELP. Support can be gained from a multitude of resources including hotline phone numbers to call, groups and foundations that can provide support or counselling, doctors and institutions worldwide that deal with these issues every day. Access to many of these resources is available on this site – please make use of them – they can and will make a difference. Often, more immediate and even closer assistance is there for you through your friends and family. These people need, want and deserve to be a part of your life – through the good times and even more importantly through the bad. PLEASE DON’T PUSH THEM AWAY OR SHUT THEM OUT – YOU NEED EACH OTHER MORE THAN YOU REALIZE !

I won’t lie to you, there are going to be some people in your life who are unable to cope with or provide the support you need. There will be some people who may not want to get involved and you might even lose a few friends in the process and that will hurt too. However, there are those that can and are willing to provide the unconditional love and support you need, and all you need to do is open up to them and reach out.  Right now it is imperative that you focus your attention on doing WHATEVER IT TAKES to get well and stronger, for yourself, the rest will follow, I promise.

I understand, empathize and sympathize with your pain and struggle and I know just how difficult it is to open up or reach out to others, especially when you are feeling so confused and vulnerable. I realize you fear rejection or judgement, but if I can ask only one thing of you, it would be for you to take one more risk, give yourself another chance and REACH OUT TO SOMEONE !

YOU ARE WORTH IT AND DESERVE TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF AND YOUR LIFE AND IT IS POSSIBLE TO ACHIEVE IT, SO DON’T GIVE UP !

 PLEASE, DON’T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE THAT ADAM DID !

 If you have read this entire letter then you have managed to hold on a little longer -please - take the next step now and reach out, it’s not too late for you to change the path you choose to take. Believe me when I say the rest of your life is truly worth living, it can and does get better!

It is my deepest regret that we couldn’t save Adam from his living hell – he had such a bright and promising future ahead of him that will never be realized. He would have made an amazing architect and could have helped to make this world a brighter and more beautiful place for all of us to live in. We will miss his bright and sparkling eyes, his beautiful smile and his loving and generous heart. We will never get to enjoy the memories we could have created together – his graduation, marriage or the children he might have had. But worse than all of that, HE will never know the joy of recovery or be able to lead  the full, meaningful and long life he deserved to enjoy – and that is the greatest tragedy of all.

Please don’t give anyone the opportunity to say the same thing about you ! My heart aches for Adam and for you, and my soul prays that you find the strength and courage needed to overcome your problems and your pain so that you may know the joy of recovery and healing. Be gentle with yourselves, now and always.

Love and namaste,

Sue

 P.S.  As promised, I want to take this opportunity to explain the meaning of the word – namaste – a word I use in the closing of most of my letters. It comes from the closing ritual in Hatha Yoga, and means – The light in me touches and salutes the light in you. It is said with the hands brought into prayer position, first touching your forehead with closed fingertips, then your lips, and finally your heart. The significance being that when we are in union with our thoughts, our voices and out hearts, our light truly shines.

May it continue to shine forever.