Hello. My name is Bob Kavelman and I am Adam’s father. It has taken me a long time to put together the first message I wanted to put on this wonderful memorial to our son, Adam. I have been deeply concerned that, depending on who visits the website and what frame of mind they are in at the time, there is a possibility that they could misinterpret this website.

Many of the memories written and the pictures included on the site speak to what a wonderful person Adam is while only a few touch on the pain, trauma, anguish and unanswered questions surrounding Adam’s death for so many. Someone suffering as Adam was and contemplating suicide could visit this website and possibly come away with the idea that it is okay to take their own life because they read of all the wonderful memories and concluded that everything will be fine (or even better) when they are gone. This is not true. Life will not be better without you.

It is truly a tragedy that Adam felt that he could not go on anymore and that he was unable to see or believe what a wonderful, talented, loved individual he really was. If you are someone who is depressed or contemplating suicide, I beg you to look inside yourself and at all the people around you who touch your life each day. I am sure that you will find some of the things in life you have, or want to have, that are worth living for and the friends and family that will be there to help you, if you will only open up to them and give them a chance to help you get past the dark feelings and thoughts you are having now.

The healing process after a death is very, very difficult for anyone. The healing process for my wife, Sue, my daughter, Meghan, our “adopted daughter” and Adam’s soulmate, Lori, and me has been a little easier largely because Adam did let us know how he was feeling and allowed us to listen, to talk about it and to help in whatever ways we could. We at least have come away from his suicide a little more at peace knowing that we had the opportunity to help and had done everything we could for him. I believe Adam was getting stronger and, in time, would have found his way out of the depressed state he was in. Unfortunately, we will never know now.

Although Adam allowed the four of us in, he would not tell any of his friends about how he was feeling because he thought they would think he was weird and not remain his friends. Many of Adam’s friends told us how their first feelings towards Adam after his suicide were of anger. Anger, because it didn’t matter to them that he was depressed...Anger because they wanted to help a friend but weren’t allowed to (after all, isn’t helping each other when in need part of what friendship is all about?)...Anger because they weren’t able to show him how much they cared for him. So I beg you to talk, not only to your family but also your friends, about how you are feeling and allow them to comfort you and help you come out of your state of depression and live a happy life, the one you deserve. You owe this to them and to yourself. It can only make your relationships stronger. If there are some that choose to abandon you at this time, were they really your true friends in the first place?

If you are an individual who has experienced the loss of someone close to you by way of suicide, I can only offer you some of the things that we have done to try and ease the pain a little.

First and foremost, you must be willing to talk to others about how you are feeling, whether it be family, friends or by way of counseling. I have talked to so many people who know someone who has been touched by suicide that chose to bury their feelings and try to go on with life, or who never talked about the person they lost again as if they had never existed. Maybe you know someone like this yourself. In every case that I am aware of, this has only led to greater problems such as a dysfunctional family life, marriage break up, depression, alcoholism, or drug abuse. No matter how much it hurts, you must talk with others if you ever hope to recover from your tragedy.

We also decided that we would try to focus on the positives rather than the negatives related to our loss. Maintaining this website, the annual memorial get-together we have planned and the waterfall of memories, where friends and family are invited to add their own memory, have all helped us and, I think, many of our friends and family.

I also found it very helpful to think about what Adam would have wanted us to do after he was gone. I know he didn’t kill himself to hurt us and that he would not want us to go on mourning and be sad. He would want us to remember our good times together, to celebrate his life and to get on with our own life and enjoy it to the fullest. I’m sure that this is the same in your case.

As I said at the beginning, it has been very difficult to put together this message. I know that doing it has been a great help to me and I hope it will also be of some help to each of you who have taken the time to read it.

Sincerely,

Bob